Repairing Relationships: A Mindfulness Technique

Have you ever felt angry or frustrated with a close friend or family member after a fight? It is not uncommon to feel angry towards others during conflict and anger can often be a healthy response to situations in which our boundaries have been violated. Anger propels us forward to take action, set boundaries, and right the wrongs.

Now, have you ever been so angry with someone that you have wanted to call them vindictive or manipulative? Perhaps you felt they were manipulative after they gave you the silent-treatment or blamed you for the fight in the first place. Indeed, in some situations our anger can lead us to label others or question their character- drawing our attention away from the behaviour that caused us to feel angry (being given the silent-treatment) and focus on the person who our anger is towards. Labelling someone as manipulative will lead us to judge their character. This judgment will likely take over, fuel our hatred or resentment towards that person and ultimately, overshadow the actual behaviour that caused your frustration in the first place.

Why is this important? Removing your judgments about others despite feeling angry towards them can help you to preserve your relationships long-term, reduce resentment towards people who are important to you, and allow you to work through conflict without mislabelling them as forever-flawed. When we describe the behaviours that caused our anger instead of placing judgment on others, we are compassionate and compassion is key to relationship repair.

Next time you feel frustrated towards someone (likely totally valid), try removing judgments about who they are as a person and stick to describing their behaviour. Once you have identified the behaviour that is making you angry, you are ready to set a healthy boundary.